I’m really struggling with this post today.
It’s like I’m squirming with my back against the wall.
But I heard the Holy Spirit say to write about this….marriage, sweet marriage, in the vine.
At first I passed it off with a thought..”I may be married for over 20 years but I am not the expert on this one..” or
The thought persisted. I really do not want to disobey what He tells me to do even if I feel my failures are so many and my story so broken. But I’m learning that pleasing God and obeying Him is yet one of many ways I get to love Him back.
This thought on writing about my marriage did make me think about how in the past few years God has allowed us to be broken bread and spilled out wine for others to find nourishment, to make their marriages work. One after another broken winged bird has come to our nest (home), where Dave and I have been able to reveal our marriage failures and success to help others get breakthrough in their own relationships. I also realize my mom and father left a legacy of this as I recalled the few couples they ministered to who were on the brink of separation. My parents were not shaken and stuck with these dear friends speaking life, and their marriages were restored.
So, I step out here to share with you, my e-family. I know this is one thing He has called me to do. It comes with the breaker anointing He placed on my marriage and my family. You break off the weights of failure to be able to lift others, by speaking Kingdom life and sharing the Father’s heart. My breakthrough is your breakthrough friend!
One thing is for sure….we each have our own story to tell. I will simply share mine with hopes you can get off the emotional ledge and find a more secure place to stand, in hope, faith, and love.
The major factor? I was living in the trenches of my own making. The battle was in one word: FEAR!
This kept me locked in a prison with the keys to be free but I didn’t use it.
I was a walking facade. Walking in deception of who I was and who God made me to be. I was afraid I’d be found out and ridiculed.
I could readily put up an appearance of normal, but abnormal was stuck on the inside as anxiety sucked away my stamina and strength.
I dealt with oppression that became depression.
Even though my husband was an amazingly skilled in everything from construction to drywall to landscaping, I faced a debt monster that could never be satisfied.
Confrontation sent me to a deserted island to take part in a pity beach party with me drinking the alcohol of irresponsibility and the sour grapes of anguish.
My goal became disconnect and avoidance which lead to judgement.
Dysfunction became a sick normal, stuck like a piece of gum on the bottom of your shoe.
This final reality broke my heart and made me realize I had to ask God to help me. My husband and my two children did not really know me.
Now, I will tell you that amidst this mess I did find hope and help. It was in my coveted time alone
with a cup of coffee, the word, my jagged heart, and my journal. Out of the overflow I was able to speak and pray hope over thousands. Of all places, God put me behind a mic on a Christian FM radio station that all of Atlanta and North Georgia could hear for over 15 years. Part of the time I was single while the other married.
As I tried to be free from fear choking at my jugular vein, I wrote out my issues with the Word of God as the back drop in dozens of journals. So often the word would bring healing and hope as I asked God to change me.
I began to understand boundaries. I stopped making excuses empowering the well planned lies. I began to call those things what were not to be manifested. To be honest, this scared the heck out of me. I began to pray….getting in to my own “war room”, decreeing and declaring the truth of what God says. I began to pray in the Holy Spirit like my life depended on it.
I will tell you this. I never empowered the lie that I made a mistake. I look at my children and see no mistake there. Even before I had children, I knew that I knew, that God put Dave and me together to bring change and impact others for the Kingdom of God.
So if you can relate to any of the facts of my struggle above, let me assure you God will not leave you. He will honor your effort and give grace for every step. (I will say if you are in severe physical or emotional abuse, you need to seek wise counsel or simply get away to a safe place.)
Today, I feel like I have stepped out of a shadow of fear and face my struggles head on with His Spirit. Dave and I are going on our 21st year of marriage. He is truly my best friend. I thank God for the new moments of knowing this handsome, God fearing, Kingdom shaking man who God brought to me. His tenderness and care reveals so many facets of the Father’s Heart to me daily. He inspires me and empowers me with daily prayers and declarations. He celebrates me in my dream to be a voice, to be a life speaker, to be an author of influence for the Kingdom of God.
This probably won’t be the end of writing about this tender subject of relationships and marriage. But I pray my taking the mask off and revealing my failures will help you see your are not alone.
I understand the pain and frustration. Focus on you. Keep your boundaries in tack. And always, be found often in the Vineyard, in the Vine, listening to the Vinedresser of your heart, mind, spirit, and soul.
He really does take good care of you as you cease striving to simply abiding, in the Vine.
IN the Sweet spot..
In the Vine,
PS I am so excited by how many have bought the release of the Devotional, “Listen To The Vinedresser: 31 Declarations Of Who You Are In The Vine”
Ok…big favor. If you bought it or you are going to buy it, will you write a review on Amazon for it? The algorithm of Amazon places high positions with books with lots of positive reviews. So, I ask humbly for your review.